Hercule Piorot is holidaying in Egypt when he is invited aboard a cruise down the Nile. The host is the extremely wealthy, recently married, heiress Linnet Ridgeway. The journey is soured by the appearance of Jacqueline de Bellefort, the ex-flame of Ridgeway's husband. Ridgeway stole him away from her and she seems intent on extracting some sort of retribution. When Ridgeway is murdered suspicion naturally falls on de Bellefort but she has a cast iron alibi. I should have known better than to watch this having watched Kenneth Branagh's adaptation of Murder on the Orient Express. Everything about it seemed flat and listless: paint-by-numbers adaptation, minimal intrigue (especially for a murder-drama), subdued, uninspired performances (despite an all-star cast), mindless action scenes. Where Branagh did dial things up was on the cinematography and effects but even there it falls flat: all the effects just make everything seem fake. You can tell it's being filmed in a studio in front of green screen rather than out in the snow with a real train. Having watched the excellent 1974 version it was a definite sub-standard effort. It felt like the classic Christie tale had been dumbed-down for modern audiences and substance sacrificed for style. Murder on the Nile is largely more of the same: weak, dumbed-down adaptation, listless performances, style over substance. The graphics and cinematography at least feel less fake here and are in fact the only positive as they do provide a richness of colour and a vibrance to proceedings. The screenplay is cringy at times with all the unnecessary add-ons to the novel to accommodate modern viewers. Performances are shrill and irritating. Casting is off: so many dud choices. I assume Branagh only wanted French and Saunders in the film because he's a fan of them as a comedy duo, not because they were ideal for their roles (as they're not). Similar to how I ended my review of Murder on the Orient Express, watch the excellent 1978 Peter Ustinov version instead. Or watch the relevant episode in the brilliant David Suchet Poirot series. With those already in existence I don't know why this film was made.

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